What are some common causes of feedback resistance and how can you avoid them?
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Feedback is essential for learning and growth, but not everyone welcomes it with open arms. Sometimes, you may encounter resistance, defensiveness, or hostility when you try to share your insights or suggestions with someone you mentor. This can be frustrating and discouraging, but it doesn't have to derail your relationship or your goals. In this article, we'll explore some common causes of feedback resistance and how you can avoid them or overcome them.
Lack of trust
One of the main reasons why people resist feedback is that they don't trust the source, the motive, or the validity of the feedback. They may perceive you as biased, unqualified, or ill-intentioned, or they may doubt the accuracy or relevance of your feedback. To avoid this, you need to build trust and rapport with your mentee before giving feedback. Show genuine interest and respect for their work, goals, and challenges. Explain the purpose and benefits of feedback, and how it aligns with their aspirations. Ask for their permission and preferences for feedback, and respect their boundaries and feelings.
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Ready for a relay race analogy? 🏃♂️ Imagine feedback as a baton - but your teammate hesitates to grab it! 😅 Why? Lack of trust! Trust is our invisible professional glue. Without it, feedback is like a scary cactus, not a baton. So let's fix it: 🌟 Show up consistently. 👥 Use empathy. Feedback isn't about winning an argument but winning a teammate. 💡 Make feedback a two-way conversation. Let's turn that cactus into a baton and keep our relay race going! 💪💼🌟
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One of the most overlooked aspects of building trust is time. You cannot shortcut your way to trust. Building trust takes a lot of time and goes hand in hand with consistency. It is not enough to show genuine interest and empathy once, it needs to be a consistent behavior over time. In addition, to build trust with someone else, you need to be a trustworthy person to begin with. What this means is: to be impeccable with your word and match that with your actions. Do what you say you'd do. Follow through. Let your actions tell the story of how trustworthy you are!
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Fear of failure
Another common cause of feedback resistance is fear of failure. Some people may see feedback as a threat to their self-esteem, competence, or status. They may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or insecure about their performance or potential. They may also worry about the consequences of failing or making mistakes. To avoid this, you need to create a safe and supportive environment for feedback. Emphasize the positive aspects of their work, and frame feedback as an opportunity for improvement, not a judgment or criticism. Focus on specific behaviors and outcomes, not personal traits or abilities. Provide constructive and actionable suggestions, not vague or harsh comments. Celebrate their progress and achievements, and encourage them to learn from their failures.
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When I was a Sales Associate at Victoria's Secret in college, my boss turned to me after a performance review and kindly said, "Let's have you work on taking feedback without a defense." It dawned on me that every growth opportunity that was listed, I would have a rebuttal for--because I wanted to be seen as someone who was doing their best. The reality is it came from my fear of not being enough. Approach employees with empathy and dig deep for talent who disregard feedback. It might be deeper than you think and pointing out this flaw can help them change. I'm happy to say, my college boss saying this changed my life--I now actively seek out feedback.
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Often, feedback may come across as criticism if it's not delivered in an empathetic manner, and this kicks up people's defenses. They may conclude that they're not doing a good job and that they're not good enough. The shame and insecurity rises, and they will struggle to take action. Instead, I've found it helpful to ask open ended questions about an area for improvement, such as "tell me more about how you're approaching X." Great coaches and teachers ask the right questions to draw people to the right conclusions on their own. This reduces defenses and the lessons stick.
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Resistance to change
A third common cause of feedback resistance is resistance to change. Some people may be comfortable with their current situation, habits, or beliefs, and may not see the need or value of changing them. They may also be reluctant to try new things, take risks, or challenge themselves. They may prefer to stick to what they know, what they like, or what they are good at. To avoid this, you need to inspire and motivate your mentee to change. Help them identify their strengths and areas of development, and how they relate to their goals and opportunities. Show them the benefits and rewards of changing, and the costs and risks of not changing. Help them overcome their fears and doubts, and provide them with the resources and support they need to change.
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As a leadership coach, I have always believed that constructive feedback is a leadership gift and a driver of personal and organisational behavioural change. Who gives the feedback and how it is delivered are very important. If it is delivered the wrong way, it will increase resistance to change, so it must be delivered the right way. Things to consider when giving feedback: • It should be delivered by a trusted party with empathy. • The feedback session should encourage rich conversation and should never be rushed. • It should concentrate on the behaviour, not the person. • It should be timely. • Allow for reflection time, so it may take more than one meeting. • Corrective actions should be agreed upon mutually with a follow-up plan.
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In my experience, I have felt that the way the feedback is given and the tone used as well as the timing is extremely important. Feedback can be taken as negative criticism if said in a way where the team member or individual is being blamed or told to change. If said in an assertive yet positive way, this can be changed and they can feel more secure, safe and open to trust the feedback as constructive criticism rather than something that is incorrect. The timing of the feedback is also equally important- Post an error, most feedback is seen in a resentful and negative way, while giving it some time to settle and then mentioning it with areas of improvement helps in connecting better!
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Communication barriers
A fourth common cause of feedback resistance is communication barriers. These are factors that prevent or hinder the effective delivery or reception of feedback. They may include language, culture, style, tone, timing, frequency, or mode of communication. They may also involve misunderstandings, assumptions, or misinterpretations of the feedback. To avoid this, you need to communicate clearly and respectfully with your mentee. Use simple, precise, and respectful language that matches their level of understanding and context. Avoid jargon, slang, or ambiguous terms that may confuse or offend them. Choose the appropriate time, place, and method to give feedback, and avoid distractions or interruptions. Check for understanding and agreement, and invite questions and feedback from them.
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It's always a good idea to lead with the positive, too. I work hard to ensure that I always start of feedback by highlighting what the person has done well, before following up with things that need to be changed. That way, it'll come across as you providing suggestions to aid their improvement, rather than you criticising them and their work, which a mentee will understandably be very sensitive about. It also sends the message that you share the same goal - their progress, which will ease the strain and encourage rather than intimidate or hurt them.
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1️⃣ Tailor your communication: Adapt your language, style, and tone to suit your mentee's preferences and cultural background. 2️⃣ Active listening: Practice attentive listening to understand their perspective and ensure clarity in your communication. 3️⃣ Seek clarification: Encourage your mentee to ask questions or seek clarification when they are unsure about your feedback. 4️⃣ Non-verbal cues: Pay attention to non-verbal cues such as body language and facial expressions to gauge their response and adjust accordingly. 5️⃣ Use examples: Illustrate your feedback with relevant and concrete examples to enhance understanding. 6️⃣ Encourage open dialogue: Create a safe space where your mentee feels comfortable expressing their thoughts.
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Emotional reactions
A fifth common cause of feedback resistance is emotional reactions. These are the feelings and emotions that feedback triggers in the receiver or the giver. They may include anger, frustration, disappointment, anxiety, sadness, or guilt. They may also affect the mood, attitude, or behavior of the feedback participants. To avoid this, you need to manage your own and your mentee's emotions during feedback. Be aware of your own feelings and biases, and how they may influence your feedback. Be empathetic and compassionate towards your mentee's feelings, and how they may affect their feedback. Acknowledge and validate their emotions, and help them cope with them. Avoid emotional triggers or escalations, and keep the feedback constructive and respectful.
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Keep feedback specific and talk about the behaviour, not the person. For example, don't say 'You are always late!', say 'I've noticed that you've been late several times for our morning meetings this month'
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Work community is so important to the acceptance of feedback. It's important to create a supportive feedback culture that emphasizes growth, trust, and empathy. By fostering an environment where feedback is seen as valuable and developmental rather than judgmental, people become more open to receiving and utilizing feedback for personal and professional improvement. People need to believe you have their back. That your feedback is not a competitive tool to knock them down. Also timing and permission is important for peer to peer feedback, which the TIGERS 6 Principles endorses for both training follow through learning circles and for sharing strengths in collaborative initiatives.
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Here’s what else to consider
This is a space to share examples, stories, or insights that don’t fit into any of the previous sections. What else would you like to add?
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What I have seen work in terms of feedback is to use a process that is comprehensive so when you are giving feedback it is holistic and inclusive. The Start-Stop-Continue has always worked for me Start - What should you start doing? Stop - What should you stop doing? Continue - What should you keep doing? Usually feedback is focused on one of the above. For instance, if someone has not reached out to their sales teams with a deliverable - that is a Start feedback. Adding a Continue - something they are doing well, for instance collaborating with Marketing teams is going well makes it more comprehensive. And using this process builds trust.
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Here are some powerful phrases that might help set the tone for and/or maintain, an impactful feedback conversation. -I'd love to hear your perspective regarding yesterday's presentation/meeting/client briefing, etc.. -I'm not sure we got the response we were hoping for with..... May I share what I observed? -I noticed that during the meeting you..... Was that your intent? -I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I'm sharing this because I know you want to grow in this position and advance. -Perhaps something is getting in the way of showing (as, with, ........ -I can tell you are disappointed with the outcome. What could you have done differently?
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